Critics Agree Sonny Rollins No Longer Has To Try

Addressing the suspicions of many, a statement released by the National Organization of Jazz Critics confirms that tenor saxophonist Sonny Rollins doesn’t even have to try anymore.

“After much deliberation, we have collectively reached the conclusion that Sonny Rollins has our unconditional support.” the statement read, promising only glowing reviews for future endeavors and outlining his storied career using flowery and unnecessarily complicated language. “With each effort, Rollins takes his listeners on a journey to the edge of the galaxy, reminding us of the fragility of humanity whilst summoning the puissance of Thor himself.” 

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McBride’s “Inside Straight” To Be Followed By More Adventurous “Outside Gay”

Bassist Christian McBride announced this week that his wildly popular swing-blues quintet Inside Straight will take a backseat to his new, more adventurous project Outside Gay.

“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now, and with the musicians I’ve got on board I think we’ll be able to explore some new musical space and really push some boundaries” McBride said.

Joining McBride will be acclaimed pianist Jason Moran, rising star saxophonist Rudresh Mahanthappa and Bad Plus drummer Dave King.

Kenny Garrett Running Out of Black Drummers

Alto saxophonist Kenny Garrett revealed to Jazz Source this last weekend that he has exhausted Earth’s supply of loud black drummers, thereby forcing Garrett into early retirement.

“It’s a day I always knew would come. I just didn’t think it would be so soon.” said a pensive Garrett, sitting backwards on a chair with his instrument on a table beside him. “It’s been a good run, I have no regrets.”

Since the mid 80’s Garrett has continuously recorded and toured with a veritable who’s who of explosive black drummers.

Pat Metheny Engaged to Orchestrion Marimba

Jazz Source has confirmed rumors that guitarist Pat Metheny is engaged to his Orchestrion marimba. The proposal was made backstage at their final international tour stop and was met with a jubilant major arpeggio.

“They’ve been close from the very beginning.” related a close source on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen two musicians so in tune with each other, it’s communication on a whole other level. Looking back, it makes sense that they would want to be together.” The source went on, attributing their musical connection to both time spent working together and the electrical signal sent from Metheny’s guitar to the marimba’s computer brain and actuators.